Part 1: Survival Mode

Beginning Again As a Single Parent

To start, let me clarify that I am not a financial advisor. I am just a single parent who dug herself out of a crappy financial situation, and is sharing her story. My hope is to encourage you make a plan for yourself, step by step, to improve your quality of life and make decisions on your own terms. Here is how I got started…

As I first settled into being on my own again, I had to create a whole new rhythm for my schedule and responsibilities.  After the turmoil and angst of the divorce process, it was refreshing to call my own shots for tasks as simple as creating a grocery list. After being part of a pair for so long, making each of these decisions on my own, without the inefficiency of haggling schedules and priorities with someone who I didn’t align with, felt refreshing.  

On one of these early single-again Saturdays, it was time to sit down and organize my bills and expenses. I had a noisy, sticky two year old smashing spoons and throwing plastic lids in the kitchen beside me, which seemed like the best (and only) opportunity to do an important task such as determining financial standing. I took a few minutes to set up a spreadsheet of my income, then a column for my bills. Being a mathematician, I knew how to subtract my expenses from the income to determine what would be left in the month for groceries, gas, and the forever ambiguous “miscellaneous” category.

I had to check my math two times.

$300? This was the 3rd of June. 

YIKES.

I texted my sister;

Me:  “I only have $300 left for the month”. 

Her: “That’s not a lot”.

Fair enough. It’s not a lot, but it’s all I had. This was unexpected, so my options were limited. I had to keep my money plan for that month simple: 

Spend ZERO dollars on anything except gas and groceries. 

No more going out activities that cost money, play dates or otherwise. I had to make plans intentionally at no cost. No more picking up a snack or coffee while on the go. I would have to plan ahead better for every outing with a hungry kid.  A kid who’s appetite makes me suspicious that whatever they eat turns to steam the second it hits their stomach. Shoes for this youngin’ can wait a while…. they’re going to disintegrate in 15 minutes after a toddler gets ahold of them anyways. 

I took action to reduce the gas costs by driving less. I purposely picked recipes that had less ingredients, or cheaper ones.  We went to the pet store and looked at pets for an hour (free!) instead of going to the zoo (entry fee and parking? Maybe next time). The few miscellaneous items I spent that month were on what I considered necessities, like a copay for the doctor.

Another way to limp through that month was to sell a few unneeded items on online groups. It didn’t bring in too much money, but since $300 was aIl I had, having $25 and $50 come my way felt like a windfall. 

It was a month of creativity- and a month where opportunities were too limited for the quality of life I wanted for my toddler and I.

Plus, I got really, REALLY, sick of homemade chicken tostadas.  We survived until the end of the month, crawling forward each day towards the next paycheck date on my calendar.

Why does time seem to slow down when a paycheck is so desperately needed? 

Yes, I learned how to appreciate every penny. Yes, I learned to prioritize and focus on “need” versus “want”. But being THIS financially limited? Giving my family less nutritious food options? Worrying that a sneeze may turn into something that requires a doctor visit and medicine that I can’t pay for? This is not a position I wanted to stay in. I needed to do better than to survive.  

What is more, having no savings to fall back on added to the stress of this phase, making each variable a potential high stakes problem. A $0 cushion gave me the feeling that each task at work was a landmine of potential mistakes, and I had to navigate everything perfectly or lose my job. Every noise in the house, each grunt from the car, and all the odd whirring sounds from the washing machine sparked a worried thought in my mind. I wasn’t prepared to handle any of these issues, and smooth sailing and good luck don’t last long.

Being on this financial survival mode long term

was not an option for me.

I had to skate by like this for a little while, with each month creating its own financial obstacle course for me to battle. I knew this survival mode could be temporary, but I would have to do something different if I wanted a change. I had to be realistic about where I stood at the time. The reality was that this change would be slow. I imagined one day I could make more choices on my own terms. I knew I could pull myself out of this survival mode and get to a point where I could worry less and provide better options for my family. 

So what can you take away from this?  Each situation is different- but each of us are creative enough to find our way out of it. The good news is that this is a phase; this isn’t a permanent setup. In my case, even though cutting expenses and living frugally helped me immensely, it wasn’t going to get me and my little family out of the cycle of living on financial thin ice.

It was time to bring in more income. And if I wanted to earn more money, I would have to make a change.

This would take me out of my comfort zone and into a territory of unknowns, with a sticky toddler by my side.